Hurry up and wait. Your guide to prepare for deployment
by Sgt. 1st Class Rachel Davis
Editor's note: This guide originally appeared in "Your Other Left! Punch Lines from the Front Lines" by Michael Hirsh. He is currently collecting military jokes for a sequel. E-mail submissions to UniformlyFunny@hirshmedia.us.
For those who have yet to experience the joys of deployment, we offer this guide to preparing for deployment to Operation Iraqi Freedom/Operation Enduring Freedom. The following is a list of things you can do once you get your deployment notice to make your transition from home easier.
1. Sleep in a cot in your garage.
2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.
3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife, husband or significant other whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."
4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor.
5. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "High" for that tactical generator smell.
6. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch-then watch a different one.
7. Leave a lawn mower running in your living room 24 hours a day for the proper noise level.
8. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
9. Make up and post your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in the pantry or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.
10. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together.
11. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit fir five or six hours before drinking.
12. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because they have strange personal hygiene habits to come over and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.
13. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
14. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your nightstand and bring it to the bathroom with you. Also bring a weapon and a flashlight.
15. Drink your milk and sodas warm.
16. Go to the bathroom when you have gas, "just in case." Every time.
17. Announce to your family they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper, and then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith."
18. Wash only 15 items of laundry this week. Roll up the semi-wet clothes in a ball and place them in a clothes sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them, and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like.
19. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week on the phone for a morale call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.
20. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not eight inches on the center and make them rebuild it.